Brevity is the soul of wit. What better way to deliver a punch than through one-liners! One-liners have always been a hot favorite of mine not only because they are short but also because of the huge element of wit in them.
For your benefit, I am listing the best one-liners of epic proportions that I have come across in a long time. Here goes:
- Never trust atoms; they make up everything.
- A little boy asked his father, ‘Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?’ Father replied, ‘I don’t know son, I’m still paying.’
- Blunt pencils are really pointless.
- My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
- The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.
- Two fish are in a tank. One says, ‘How do you drive this thing?’
- You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
- The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family. It’s that no one runs in your family.
- Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
- Always borrow money from a pessimist. They’ll never expect it back.
- My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
- ‘Doctor, there’s a patient on line one that says he’s invisible.’
- ‘Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.’
- Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
- The future, the present, and the past walk into a bar. Things got a little tense.
- Two wi-fi engineers got married. The reception was fantastic.
- A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
- One of the cows didn’t produce milk today. It was an udder failure.
- When in doubt, mumble.
- I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is ‘Goodbye.’
- A blind man walked into a bar…, a table…, and a chair…
- Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
- A ghost walked into a bar and ordered a shot of vodka. The bartender said, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve spirits here.’
- Are people born with photographic memories, or does it take time to develop?
- I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.
- Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
- I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
- I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
- A book fell on my head the other day. I only have my shelf to blame though.
- Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
You can put these one-liners to a variety of uses. You can use them to pep up your conversation or embellish your public speaking. If you can’t do any of these you can at least have a hearty laugh.
